How To Sleep Defensively

Carol Starr Schneider

Defensive sleeping reduces the risk of bedroom accidents and increases sleeper safely. A defensive sleeper follows certain rules and avoids bad sleeping habits. Defensive sleeping involves constant awareness of other sleepers and their bad habits, including, but not limited to, Royal Rescue Pups of Questionable Lineage that tend to pounce, paw, wag, shake, rotate and mattress-leap. Here are the top five defensive sleeping techniques that will help you get through the night and early morning without permanent injury to your personage: 


1. Leave room for error. Account for the reckless sleeping and negligence of others in your general sleep vicinity. Leaving space between you and potential offenders, both human and canine, can save you from getting sideswiped, rear-ended or kicked in the keppy during your sleep cycle.


2. Buckle up. A defensive sleeper minimizes the risk of sleep injuries by strapping down any and all animals/humans currently co-habitating her cozy snooze zone. When other sleepers are strapped down, they can't flail, swing, hit, punch, smack or shove you off the bed.


3. Reduce speed for sleep conditions. Defensive sleepers always plan for bad sleep or mattress conditions. Defensive sleepers don't rush or speed into slumber. They take their time and look for obstacles, including collars, chew toys, dog bones, iPhones, iPads, laptops and Fitbits.


4. Avoid distracted sleeping. Sleeping defensively includes avoiding all distractions above or below the covers. Distractions could endanger lives. So no talking on the phone or texting while sleeping. No eating or drinking while sleeping. Don't take your eyes off the pillow while sleeping. Don't engage in other dangerous sleep activities. No yoga, no Pilates. No Zumba, no spinning. No TRX, no kickboxing. Don't do anything but sleep while you're asleep and chances are you'll wake up alive.


5. Resist sleep rage. Sleep rage is a major cause of sleep accidents. Safety-prone sleepers may develop sleep rage when other sleepers sleep insensitively, hog the covers, curse, change positions without signaling or bark at some random outdoor noise from eight blocks away.  If someone insists on sleeping aggressively, don't get down on his, her or its level. Don't engage in any reckless or risky sleeping to prove a point. We are not asleep to police other sleepers. We are asleep because we're so exhausted we can't see straight and can barely function while awake.


The best thing the defensive sleeper can do to assure a safe night's sleep is to sleep in a separate locked room that no one human or otherwise can enter. In conclusion, don't be a dummy. Sleep defensively, my friends. You're welcome.


 Carol Starr Schneider is a writer living in California.

Return to Contents.