THE MA & PA SCHLEPPING COMPANY
CAROL STARR SCHNEIDER
Five-star review: "My shleppers were extremely punctual, careful, and considerate of all my stuff. They came overly prepared, as usual, with bubble wrap, packing tape, extra boxes and delicious snacks in case I needed a nosh. They worried about everything breaking, especially my special shot glasses. The lady shlepper said, 'God forbid these adorable glasses should shatter on the way up to the Bay Area. You might have to come back home where you belong.'
"The guy shlepper dismantled my TV and X-Box with only a few choice swear words. He even patched up all the holes in the wall. Overall, their attitudes were excellent, if not a little weepy. The lady shlepper only cried three times and laid on the guilt five times -- not bad, considering her previous track record.
"The shleppers were so quick and efficient, not to mention obsessive, especially when it came to cleaning my counters, oven, sink, fridge, microwave and bathroom. However, the lady shlepper did scold me, but only about six times, and ranted on for several interminable minutes about splatter and filth, residue and weird, inexplicable crust. 'Maybe you'll clean a little better in your next place. Once a month, wipe down the counter, it won't kill you,' she said so many times, I stopped listening.
"An added bonus. The lady shlepper even separated my old clothes from my really old clothes, making piles for Goodwill and piles for the trash heap. I just stood there and watched in amazement. 'When's the last time you wore this shirt?' 'High school,' I told her. 'Out!' she said, and she meant business. I'll tell ya, she was ruthless, especially when it came to my socks and undergarments. 'What the @#$% is this doing in here? I thought I threw this out last move.'
"The non-stop tough love was hilarious. I mean, I knew the Ma & Pa Shlepping Company would be good, because I've used them before, but I didn't know they'd be so entertaining. Every time someone's car alarm went off, the guy shlepper gave another lecture about how he won't miss this neighborhood, with its terrible parking, congestion and noise, and pointed to the decline of Western civilization. I couldn't stop laughing.
"Best of all, the Ma & Pa Shlepping Company has the most reasonable rates in Los Angeles. They don't charge a dime, unless you include the emotional cost, which comes with the territory. I've already booked them for my next move, but unfortunately, they tell me they're closing the company. Not that I believe them.
"No question, the Ma & Pa Shlepping Company made my move effortless and pain-free. Of course, it helped that they did all the heavy lifting. Let's face it. Moving can be a nightmare, but the Ma & Pa Shlepping Company made it a breeze. Thank you again, guys! You're the best. :)"
-- B.S., formerly of West Hollywood, Sherman Oaks, Santa Cruz and Copenhagen
Carol Starr Schneider is a writer living in California.