R.J. COLLEARY

Stimulation Simulation


                                 June 1, 2013

                                 Senior Science Project

                                 Mr. Murray – 4th Period


EXPERIMENT’S OBJECTIVE:  It is very important, in both high school and in life, to stay awake.  It has been scientifically proven that when people are not awake, they get less done.  My experiment was to compare the effects of various forms of ingesting (also known as drinking) different liquids to see which was the most effective in creating awakeness.  Those drinks/liquids were:


•     Coffee

•     Red Bull (original)

•     Red Bull Sugar-Free

•     Red Bull Energy Shot

•     Red Bull Total Zero

•     5-Hour Energy (original)

•     5-Hour Energy Decaf

•     5-Hour Energy Extra Strength

•     Rockstar (original)

•     Rockstar Sugar-Free

•     Rockstar Zero Carb

•     Monster Energy (original)

•     Monster Energy Lo-Carb

•     Monster Energy Nitrous


My experiment was to take one drink every hour and write down how I felt.


EXPERIMENT’S PROCESS:  Today, Saturday, is my experiment day.  I told my parents I could do no chores today or go to my sister’s stupid softball game because I had to do my senior science project as soon as I woke up in the morning.  My dad was down with it, he’s down with most things unless they cost him money, then watch out.  My mom wasn’t happy about it, she said “You know your sister has one short leg and we have to go out and support her whenever we can.”  But when I said “Mom, you want me to get into college so I don’t end up pushing a shopping cart full of cans I take out of the garbage like Uncle Mike don’t you?” she just kinda sobbed something I couldn’t understand as she left the room.


I was up late last night playing PS3 (I think maybe PS3 really means “Postpone Sleep Till 3, that is a joke btw lol) so I woke up this morning tired at 11:45 and went to the kitchen.  Ate some cold pizza first because my dad always tells me not to drink on an empty stomach (that is a joke btw lol) and then made the coffee.  I don’t drink coffee usually because it smells good but tastes terrible unless you put a lot of sugar in it.  My mom only drinks instant so I made that and then put in like 14 of those little sugar packet things she steals from restaurants.  She says it’s okay because you can use as many as you want for no charge so it isn’t really stealing even though sneaking stuff into your purse without paying for it sure looks like real stealing to me.  But whatever.


So my plan was to drink the coffee at 12:00 and then write down how I felt an hour later right before I had an energy drink at 1:00, and then repeat at 2:00, 3:00, etc. until they were all gone and I had a winner.  The problem was that coffee can’t be gulped down too fast, which may be partly due to the fact that one of its ingredients is boiling water which is usually hot and this time was no exception.  


So a few minutes before 1:00 I realized the coffee helped wake me up, although that may have been because I burned the fuck shit crap heck out of my mouth.  But hey, awake is awake is awake, so props there.


At 1:00 I went for the Red Bull (original).  It’s the #1 energy drink in the world.  It was invented in 1976 in Thailand, which is in China.  Then it was re-invented in 1987 in Austria, which is in Australia.


At 2:00 I went for the Red Bull Sugar-Free.  It’s a lot like the Red Bull (original) except it doesn’t have any sugar.  It replaced it with things called acesulfame K and aspartame/sucralose, which sound really dangerous, but I’m sure they know what they are doing.


At 3:00 I drank the Red Bull Energy Shot.  Red Bull doesn’t make these anymore but my friend Leo has a friend named Leo (the two Leo thing always freaks me out) had a couple left over and sold me one.  I thought he shoulda just given me one in the name of science but when I said that he just laughed like I was joking so I laughed too like I was joking only I wasn’t joking but I like his sister and I don’t want him telling her I’m a dweeb.  Supposively they stopped making them because 5-Hour Energy took over the energy shot market, and they said it had nothing to do with the lawsuit which claimed it gave somebody something called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, which sounds pretty gnarly and I hope I don’t get it and if I do I’m gonna tell my dad to sue Leo.  Both Leos.


At 4:00 I was still feeling pretty awake.  Kinda really awake, really.  Time to finish up the Red Bulls with the Red Bull Total Zero.  No calories, no carbs, no taste I don’t think.  But I can’t really tell because I was starting to lose feeling in my tongue.  Even more cold pizza didn’t taste like anything which is so weird.


At 5:00 it was time to crack open the 5-Hour Energy.  It comes in that little 2-ounce bottle and contains no sugar or herbal stimulants.  I’m not sure what herbal stimulants are but they’re not in it so who cares.  The list of ingredients is written really small because the bottle is so tiny, but wtf (can I say that?), it says it has taurine, glucuronolactone, malic acid, N-Acetyl, L-tyrosine, L-phenylalanine, caffeine, and citicoline.  How did they fit all those things inside this little bottle I don’t know.  


By 6:00 that 5-Hour Energy was doing me right.  I noticed my foot was tapping and I don’t even have any music on because my dad a) hates my music, but b) won’t spring for an iPod, so see my dilemma?  Time for the 5-Hour Energy Decaf, which is just like the 5-Hour Energy without the caf (also known in some countries as caffeine).  Well that makes sense, who would want 5-Hour Energy to keep you up?  (That was another joke btw lol.)  Man my foot is tapping fast, it scared away our cat so that’s another bonus.


At 7:00 it was time for 5-Hour Energy Extra Strength.  That should really get my heart pumping.  (Another joke btw lol.)  It feels like when my parents are out and I turn up my stereo and blast the bass BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!  Are the walls shaking or is that just me?  When I look at my chest I can see my shirt moving right where my heart should be.  Man am I awake!


Okay 8:00 and I was flying on cruise control.  It’s time for a Rockstar (original) but I’m thinking maybe a break isn’t such a bad idea.  I’m having a little trouble focusing but yeah okay I’ll drink it, gotta stay on schedule, science waits for no man hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


9:00 already?  That came fast.  Since 8:00 I vacuumed my room, cleaned out the cat box, alphabetized all the books on my bookshelf by author, took two showers (maybe three).


10:00 what if I don’t get into college what if I have to live at home forever what if my mom finds my porn what if I die a virgin what if my heart explodes would I be automatically dead what if I




(A note from R.J.’s mother:  Hello Mr. Murray, R.J. always says you are his favorite teacher.  Smiley face.    I wanted you to know that about 4 a.m. tonight (Sunday morning, technically) I woke up to pee and noticed his light was still on.  I knocked and opened his door simultaneously, as only a mother can do, and found him lying on the ground quivering and even more unresponsive than usual.  He was surrounded by many open and sadly empty cans of energy drinks.  I wanted to take him to the hospital to have his stomach pumped, but my husband said no, it was too expensive, and we should just stick him in a freezing cold shower because that’s how my father-in-law always sobered him up.  My father-in-law also used to make him go cut a switch and then beat him with it, but that’s not really the point so I won’t get into that in much detail but trust me it’s a horrible story and my husband cries every time he tells it which is every time he drinks.  But that’s not really the point either so I won’t get into that in much detail but trust me it’s a horrible story as well.  So where was I -– oh yes.  So we put R.J. in the cold shower and he didn’t scream exactly, more like a moan or maybe a whimper, like a hurt animal.  The one thing he did say that I understood was that this paper was due today (Monday) so I am dropping it off at the main office and hope that you get it.  I know it’s not technically finished but I hope you will take into consideration that R.J. did his best, and that my husband says if R.J. doesn’t graduate from high school he swears he is going to drink himself to death.  In any event, whichever you choose, I do hope this will not end up part of R.J.’s permanent record.  Sincerely, R.J.’s mother.)






R.J. Colleary is resting comfortably in an undisclosed location.


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