Carol Starr Schneider

"So, how are things going with you two?"

"Pretty good, I guess, overall."

"I'm sensing some hesitation."

"Well, it's just that, sometimes he doesn't always understand me."

"In what way?"

"Sometimes his auto-correct skills leave a lot to be desired.  It feels like he's always trying to make me say something I don't want to say."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yesterday, I used his calendar app. I thought I wrote, Lunch with Kyle.  But it wound up Lunch with Lyle.  I don't know any Lyles.  What's that about?  Is he trying to gaslight me?"

"It's possible he's just trying to help."

"When did help and control become synonymous?"

"Maybe you need to bring this up with him."

"I wouldn't know how to start without sounding angry.  As in, why are you screwing with my spelling?  I used to spell fine until you came along.  Now, I'm constantly questioning myself."

"Are there any positives you can point to, regarding this relationship?"

"Oh, yeah, absolutely.  I still find him very attractive.  He's so smooth and shiny.  People say we look really good together.  Sometimes I think I'd be lost without him.  He's great at navigating.  His GPS skills are awesome.  He tells me to turn left with such authority.  It's hot."

"So there are some good things going on."

"Tons.  He takes really good photos.  Really flattering.  He takes out the red spots in the eyes.  He makes you look skinnier than you are.  He's very considerate that way."

"It sounds like you're fairly content."

"We still have a few things to work out.  I'm not too thrilled with his girlfriend."

"I didn't realize this was an open relationship."

"He told me up front that Siri comes with the package."

"How do you feel about her?"

"To be honest, a little ambivalent. She's kinda snarky at times.  You never know when you're going to press her buttons.  Like, the other day, I happened to mention that I need a number.  I thought I was being clear.  'I need a number,' I told her.  And she got all huffy.  'Anita Numbert?  Who the hell is that?  Is he cheating again?  That sonofabitch. I'll kill him.'  And I said, 'Siri, calm down.  There's no Anita Numbert.  I said, I need a number.'  And she said, 'Sorry.  Sometimes I overreact. What number would you like?'"

"Well, it looks like we're out of time.  Shall we pick this up next week?"

"Okay.  Thanks, Doc. You always make me feel so much better."

"I think you need to come twice a week."

Carol Starr Schneider is a writer living in California.

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