I’m a 23 year old single female who hasn’t been on a date in two years. I’m above average in intelligence, attractiveness, and humor (ask my friends). If I ever decide to do the online dating thing, this is what I will say.
1. I don’t take long to get ready. Seriously, there’s a good chance that 95% of guys take longer to get ready than I do. If I’m late, it’s because I intentionally wasted time on the computer or watching sitcoms so I wouldn’t be super early. I was the girl in college who waited 15 minutes before we had to leave to get ready, and still managed to be the one ushering my friends out of the door.
2. I’ll eat anything. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’ll like it. And after twenty three years of life, I do have some things I do not want to eat ever again. But I’m not that particular. More importantly, I am not snobby about my food. I’m perfectly fine with crock pot classics and things that take no skill or effort to prepare. Then again, if you like fine dining I’m not going to fight it. I’ll eat that thing with a weird French name and a sauce I have no idea what’s in it. So whether you eat like a five year old or like a food critic as long as I’m not hungry, save me a seat at your table.
3. The Notebook is not my favorite movie. I may watch it when it comes on TV, but I vow to never make you watch it, until death do us part.
4. I don’t wear make up. The only thing I put on my face on a daily basis is mascara. I finally bought lipstick two months ago, it was like becoming a woman. For some reason becoming financially independent didn’t make me feel like an adult, but buying a $5.00 tube of stuff to change the color of my lips did. My limited make up use means you won’t ever have to worry about what I really look like. If you are attracted to me in the beginning, you’re in luck. You don’t have to wonder what I’ll look like after a shower or in the morning. What you see is what you get. This also means I will never take you to a store that would give you a migraine due to its aroma, or use weird phrases like “I just need to put on my face.” It’s always on.
5. I haven’t already planned my wedding. And honestly, I don’t really care what it’s like. I’m sure I’ll have opinions when the moment comes, but I’m not set on fulfilling some fantasy I have had since age 8. Since I haven’t planned anything yet, I’ll actually want (and expect) your opinion. Then the wedding will be about us, and not what our parents and friends want. And if you’re more concerned with our marriage than our wedding like I am, planning will be a piece of cake (hypothetically, I realize wedding planning is difficult even for the chillest of couples).
6. I won’t take you shopping with me. I like shopping alright, but it’s not my favorite pastime. And when I do go, I’d rather just go alone. My attention span for looking at junk I don’t need or clothes I can’t afford is really short, so there’s no point in taking someone with me. I’m a bargain shopper, so when I am out and about, I am really focused. I don’t want to socialize, and I don’t want someone’s opinion about things. Which means I don’t want a guy there with me. I always feel sorry for the poor suckers watching their women trying on shoes. Lady, he doesn’t care. You should have taken a friend, she’s going to be the one judging that purchase. Next time, just take the credit card and leave the man at home.
7. I love college basketball. I fully expect the month of March to revolve around the tournament. This also means I have a foundational level of respect for being a devoted fan to any sport. Although I’m only really dedicated to basketball, if a team is important to you, I am open to bandwagon support. I was mediocre at almost every sport I tried growing up, so I have a basic understanding of every game. I will ask questions, but it’s because I actually want to know what’s going on. You may have to exhibit some patience with me if you really love football (because I don’t), but I’ll cut you a little slack if you’re a Duke fan (because I’m not, rah rah Carolina).
8. I’ve never read Twilight. This means I won’t talk about it, except to say how much of poor role model for teenage girls I think Bella is. Which at some point you won’t really care to hear anymore, but it’s better than dragging you to the midnight premiere or asking who would win in a battle of vampires and werewolves. Harry Potter, on the other hand, is a totally different story.
9. If you like math, I like you. This makes no sense, because I really despise math. I think it’s because I like smart guys, and I’d actually prefer to be with someone smarter than me. I know literature, art, and music indicate intelligence too, but I like my man to have what I lack, which includes any calculus skills whatsoever. I think it’s also an unconscious need to be with someone logical, and therefore more emotionally rational than me. In theory. So Ivy League graduates be informed: I won’t be intimidated by your intelligence, I will be turned on by it.
10. I’m a virgin. It’s only been in the past 50 years that this is a surprise and not an expectation of a female in my circumstance. And despite what some may think, there are still many reasons this is a good thing, even in the 21st century. First of all, I have no STDs, not a chance of it. I also do not have some secret kid you have to worry about. More importantly, I won’t be comparing you to anyone else. No rando one night stand, no ex-boyfriend who broke my heart but I’m still in love with, no guy that I hooked up with in college purely because he was so great in bed. One may argue that I could have unreasonable expectations about sex because of TV and chick flicks. Valid point, but never fear. I have a lot of married friends so any delusions about sex, or relationships in general have been brought back to reality. Think of it this way: all of the anxiety, excitement, wonder and trust that comes with finding someone worthy of having sex with and then actually make that decision, I have yet to do. So if you’re ready to put your big boy pants on and actually act like a man, then you will understand why this is a positive thing. If you don’t get it, then it wouldn’t work out anyway.
If these reasons don’t have you convinced that I’m quite a catch, we are not soulmates in the least. Honestly, if any of these are turnoffs I’m just going to go ahead and say it’s you, and not me. What kind of guy wants to date a girl who will drag you to Forever 21, quotes the notebook on a daily basis, is a picky eater, will constantly compare you to a fictional character, hates sports, has a wedding box, can’t have an intelligent conversation, takes all day to get ready, wears five pounds of makeup, and doesn’t take intimacy seriously? The kind of guy that is the number one reason I’m still single.
Gracie J. Miller is a writer living in North Carolina.
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